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| me and mikey |
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POINTS TO PONDER
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(WTF!?)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.! EW!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Hahahaha... seriously!? So the pig...)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(Uh...I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
| danica jadine and me |
|
| ssssexy haha |
LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER
>Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"
>LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting
on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
>LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH
Little BILLY returns home from school
and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks
the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father? "That's
what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss
Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little
BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice. First she called on little
Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress
and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful
banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent,
Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."
| LOOK THATS FUCKING NUTS! |
|
| trippin you out yet? |
I
am better than your kids.
If you work
in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn.
The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better.
In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children,
I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each
piece:
|
Megan,
age 4 |
First of all, I don't
even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F |
|
Kyle, age 8 |
You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn
America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow
anywhere, traitor.F |
|
Lisa, age 6 |
Holy shit, I almost
had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit.F |
|
Cameron, age 4 |
Terrible. F |
|
Bryce, age 10 |
This one wouldn't
be too bad if the color was kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone
with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F |
More
crappy children's art work
The premise:
I can draw better, spell better, and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of
children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through
F for each piece:
|
Jon,
age 8 |
Ding Ding! Here comes
the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by
this hairy piece of shit. F |
|
Rachel, age 7 |
That's interesting,
everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that
right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F |
|
Jason, age 6 |
This one would receive
an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow
that look more coherent than this. F |
|
Seth, age 4 |
Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm!
F |
|
Kelly, age 9 |
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